I really thought I'd left this already behind after the fight with panic attacks induced by my spiritual wonderings, but now we're again in the beginning.

I'm just feeling like nothing makes any sense. There's no deeper meaning in anything I'm doing at the moment, and I just don't know why I should care. And yet I do care, but the things I care aren't the things I'm supposed to care about.

I just feel completely lost, once again, not sure about anything.

And something is whispering in my ear that I'm too lucky to be entitled to this feeling. Outwardly everything is in order, so why should I be feeling like this? I should behave like a normal person and just go on about things happy and content, and not wonder about things like meaning of life and relationships.

And at the same time I just can't understand why EVERYONE isn't feeling like this? Is there something wrong with me or them? I can't feel the feelings I'm supposed to, while at the same moment feeling many many things I'm not supposed to, and no, I'm NOT only referring to the last post - that's only a part of it. Maybe I'm just f*cked up, because that would certainly explain many many things...

Why is life so difficult? Or should I ask myself, why am I making my life this difficult?

Should I just shut my feelings down, regarding all things, and go on living as everyone else supposes I should do? Or what? But if I do, am I being true to myself? And if I'm not even true to myself, what purpose is there in living in the first place, if you can't do it fully?