For the first time in a veeery long time, I just felt I wanted to offer thanks to the divine. I lighted a stick of incense, and hands palm to palm offered a silent thank you out there...
Whatever else might happen I'm happy to be alive - no matter how hard it might be from time to time. And for that I'm thankful.
I'm thankful that someone just reminded me yesterday that the point of life is to make the most of it - even though life is full of suffering and problems you must try to live it to the fullest.
I just can't help feeling that I'm being given some nudges by the divine 2-4...
And that if I don't react soon I'll be hit. Hard.
What is the probability of me meeting someone at the exact time I'm starting to fall apart, then I'm restored (more or less, but actually less) but left with the feeling that things DO change. Meeting someone who I feel instantly drawn to, and from whom I get the feeling that we might be so alike? Someone with whom I can talk and who I think understands some of the things I'm going through? Someone I feel for when I read his blog entries, the few ones he has - and catch myself feeling that he has written my thoughts there.
And now here's a catch you probably didn't wait for: there's actually 2 of these persons (ok, the blog thing applies to only the more problematic case), the other one being a girl I've known for some time but now become really close with. The other one... Well.
And as if this wasn't enough - just as I start to get down from my first high of these meetings and decide to do nothing much about it, to get back home and give my previous relationship still one chance (I wouldn't do anything radical by email, even though it would be easier...), what happens?
My man decides to pull off one of his sulking-angry-stunts basically blamig me for something (I still don't know what I'm supposed to have done this time) and trying to get me to paw and comfort his ego. Well, guess what? At the moment:
I. Just. Couldn't. Care. Less.
And I'm so tempted to tell him that that I won't respond his last email before something happens. To one way or the other. As I said, no rash decisions over email, but still...
And then I hear comments about leaving people, even encouraging me - some of them from the exact people from whom I want to hear them.
And just when it starts to bother me more and more that I can't share some sides of me with my current boyfriend, I first of all find someone with whom I can speak about anything literally the whole night through... And someone from whome I get the feelings that he's been there and might understand me in a way others usually don't.
Hints or just wishful thinking? Whatever they are, the timing is, as always, immaculate...
I really thought I'd left this already behind after the fight with panic attacks induced by my spiritual wonderings, but now we're again in the beginning.
I'm just feeling like nothing makes any sense. There's no deeper meaning in anything I'm doing at the moment, and I just don't know why I should care. And yet I do care, but the things I care aren't the things I'm supposed to care about.
I just feel completely lost, once again, not sure about anything.
And something is whispering in my ear that I'm too lucky to be entitled to this feeling. Outwardly everything is in order, so why should I be feeling like this? I should behave like a normal person and just go on about things happy and content, and not wonder about things like meaning of life and relationships.
And at the same time I just can't understand why EVERYONE isn't feeling like this? Is there something wrong with me or them? I can't feel the feelings I'm supposed to, while at the same moment feeling many many things I'm not supposed to, and no, I'm NOT only referring to the last post - that's only a part of it. Maybe I'm just f*cked up, because that would certainly explain many many things...
Why is life so difficult? Or should I ask myself, why am I making my life this difficult?
Should I just shut my feelings down, regarding all things, and go on living as everyone else supposes I should do? Or what? But if I do, am I being true to myself? And if I'm not even true to myself, what purpose is there in living in the first place, if you can't do it fully?
Ok, here's something very personal but I need to get this out.
I'm stupid. I did the one thing I never ever shouldn't have done, and I'm twisting the knife in the wound again and again.
I'm like a love-struck teenager.
Once again there's the part of me that can kind of see what's happening and gives a running commentary on my thoughts (usually by either snide remarks or big-sisterly advice), and then there's the part that just keeps sighing, watching his picture and loves the feeling it makes in the pit of my stomach - while at the same time wanting to hit her head in a brick wall for being stupid enough to fall for this.
It could all have gone away, if I hadn't spent the whole night yesterday talking about it with a friend who just kept encouraging me and adding logs to the fires... And I'm still mostly thinking that this will go away, sooner or later, first of all because I'm leaving the country in 3 weeks, because I have a boyfriend of 5years waiting for me, and because I'm not even sure if the object of mmy infatuation is even interested in me in THAT way. And he's someone I most certainly don't want to lose as a friend for too hasty actions.
F*ck. And his good looks don't help at all (not to mention his other good qualities). Nor the fact that I haven't seen my boyfriend in 6 months. Am I desperate (or pathetic) or what? There's the feeling that there might be something there, while at the same time my reason keeps telling me that there certainly couldn't be and my emotions, sunk to the level of a 13y.o. girl first time in love, are overreacting more about things than what there actually is.
And all the while this inner dialogue is going inside my head I'm staring at his picture. Sad, I know... But I just can't help it. Feedback would be nice, could someone just kick some sense in my thick skull?
I wrote my first tentative blog post here about my strange yule, so it's just right that I should do the same about my equally strange midsummer.
I've been always able to "feel" the sabbats and moons, hear them in the air, kind of. So, even though I haven't been celebrating them with elaborate pagan rituals, I've always savored them, felt them and acknowledged them ritually in some way, be it lighting a candle or thinking about what I've achieved the last year.
Not this time.
It's almost scary that I don't feel the solstice as I used to do. It was the same with 1st of May and last equinox too. I managed to celebrate Imbolc by a vigorous spring cleaning and buying white flowers on my altar, but that's the last one I've done. Of course it has something to do how my mundane surroundings are, "wrong" weather, "wrong" academic calendar year, "wrong" country etc etc...
But it also has a lot to do with the recent spiritual changes. It's not just that I go to zazen, far from it. One reason for going there is exactly the fact that I don't feel the world around me as I used to do. For some reason the pagan wheel of the year just doesn't run in my blood as it used to do. And I just can't describe how weird it feels - the not feeling. And while I try to figure out how to take this new change, I feel that going to zazen helps.
It's like a scab, from time to time you forget about it and everything is fine, but then it starts itching and you start first poking at it, then more and more until you just rip it off - and there the raw wound is again, pulsing and bleeding. You curse yourself for not leaving it in peace while knowing full well that this was bound to happen sooner or later. I can go for weeks at a time without the anxiety raising its head, but then something gets its attention, and there we go again getting ourselves all worked up our own existence and the meaninglessness of it all. Then little by little I accept it for the while and calm down to a relatively manageable level.
It just comes and goes in cycles.
One thing that tells a lot about this spiritual change is the fact that I stopped wearing my pentacle ring and most of my neclaces that are pagan-themed. I've been wearing the pentacle for some 9 years and I've been always very fond of neclaces. Now I only have one ring and my earrings - and half of the time I go out without anything since I can't wear them at practise, zazen or if I go to a tea ceremony. And I used to feel quite naked without jewellery.
I've been feeling a lot quieter recently, but I'm still hoping this wont escalate too badly to one of those existential crisises - they're not nice. It's a good thing I'll be seeing the zazenkai folks a lot next week, 2 zazen, 1 shakyô (sutra copying) and 1 dinner out with haikukai. I'd love to go to tea ceremony on tuesday too, but I'm afraid I'm just bothering them...
