It begun roughly a month ago, when I was travelling alone in Kumamoto and Mt. Koya, both places I've never been before. It must also have been the longest journey I've made completely alone and mostly silent, since I didn't really have to talk that many times during those 10 days.
I started by writing random thoughts in a diary-like thing I had taken with me. In Kumamoto I felt sick, both physically and mentally, a bit depressed and stressed out about stupid small things. I started writing while pretending to drink a cup of coffee I didn't want to buy in the first place (I needed an excuse to sit in the cafe as I waited for a bus). I continued in the evening. And the next day. I kept writing every day, 17 pages in 6 days.
And I've never been one to keep a diary, not even as a young girl.
I have this need to write down my thoughts and ideas about what and who I am, what I feel and think. And for some reason I don't really understand, I feel the need to write them here as a blog. I've been asked from time to time to write a budo blog where I'd speak about japanese culture as it relates to budo, but I've always put it off as I don't feel I'm a good blogger - as I said before I'm highly unreliable when it comes to writing anything regularly. On top of that, I'm usually a very private person, and the thought of publishing anything to the internet makes me feel deeply uneasy.
And yet, here I am, writing in the open and even hoping someone would read these pieces. Somedays I think I don't know myself anymore - and yet that's not a totally unpleasant feeling. It's as if I'm watching myself and waiting to see what happens.
Last wednesday was my second time in zazenkai, a zen meditation. Thanks to a friend I managed to find a jewel amongst the thousands of small temples in Tokyo - a temple that has a potluck-type thing after the meditation, where the people who come for the zazenkai can talk, eat and, you guessed it, drink together. Lots of fun, lots of different people with different interests, and all willing to take newcomers to their social circle.
Once again a bunch of Japanese who obviously haven't been told that the Japanese are supposed to be quiet and calm. (for some reason I keep running into these kinds of Japanese people quit often)
So, as last wednesday was my second time, I of course started noticing how there's actually a few smaller circles included in the larger gathering. People arranging future events, some older guys who've obviously known each other for years etc, but as I was in the middle of a conversation about the religious politics of medieval Japan (the guy I was talking with must be the only 30-something Japanese that I've met so far who actually understood what I study - plus he patiently waited while I tried to do it in japanese) I didn't really think too much about them. Not even when a man, I'd been talking with the week before walks past me when he's leaving and gives me a piece of paper with japanese writing, telling me it's my "homework".
Later when I went talk with my acquintances from my first visit I saw they have a haikukai, a haiku circle, going on. The slip of paper given to me was actually the 3 seasonal words for next weeks meeting, which will of course be held after the zazenkai. And thus I became adopted (abducted) to a haikukai. Now the problem is of course that I should have at least one haiku for next weeks meeting, and my inspiration has taken a vacation. I've never been one to write poetry, and even less in foreign languages. Their attempts at reassuring me didn't help too much either: "Just write things that you see around you, or your feelings." It reminds me too much of being told to relax and sit in a natural position, just before my iai teacher comes and starts to draw my shoulders back and straightening my spine to resemble that "natural position" I should be having. You never knew that "relaxing" can be so painful..
Of course I'll come up with something. I want to be included to all the fun next time too. :)
And by the way, here's a link to the homepage of the temple, Rinsenji. Unfortunately it's mostly in japanese, though I think I saw some english pages there too:
I was recently reading somewhere about the different stories we tell ourselves about us, usually feeding our negative self-images. My first reaction was of course "Well, I'm not doing anything like that!"
Then it hit me a few days after. My particular story is that I'm a boring person. On top of that I study boring stuff, and if people find out what I do they will think me as a freak with no life. Reasonable? Right, thought so.
After this revelation I started to think about how I always seem to try be as unclear about my study interests as possible, to brush them off and change the subject of the conversation. I'm evasive about the level of my studies and about what kind of work I do for them. The same thing with my hobbies, and I never ever speak about my religious interests. These subjects are only spoken of with certain persons, who change according the subject.
The funny thing here is of course that I'm passionate about my studies, and I seriously think about PhD studies and research as a profession, even though I know that it certainly won't make me rich. I think it's one of the most interesting things there is, and it's something I'm good at. I might not have the "common and correct" reasons for doing it, like money and career prospects, and when asked WHY I'm interested about the subject, I have difficulties answering. Isn't being interested enough? Do I need to analyse the reasons for it over and over again, until all the world is happy and convinced? Must everything be a path to a well-paid job?
So, I decided to make these changes to my inner story:
-I have decided to prove to the world that young women who are studying Japanese Buddhism seriously aren't either boring or freaky new-agers.
-That young women who prefer philosophy to fashion are fun to hang out with.
-That you don't need to be able to drink yourself to oblivion and still know how to have FUN.
-That zen and "zenier than thou" are things that actually rule each other out.
P.S. Coming to Japan has certainly changed my view of monks. First, they smoke like chimneys and certainly see no problem in drinking beer and sake. Second, some of them look hotter than I'd ever have believed. And thirdly, every one that I've talked with, which unfortunately isn't that many yet, has been fun to talk to, and certainly more interesting than most japanese.
I love my tarot cards, and especially their sense of humor.
There are times, like yesterday evening, when all I want to say to them is "Thanks a LOT, I know that's helping me but did you REALLY have to do it this way?"
It all begun in the evening in my room, when I decided to read the cards to my jewish friend like I had promised to do some weeks earlier. The mood and the conversation was going to the right direction, so I just though "why not now" and gave her a reading that happened to be very accurate about her situation. Then, just to show her that I wasn't just repeating to her what I knew about her situation, I made a reading for myself and let her watch as I explained the cards and what it said.
My question was "Something general about my situtaion that I can reveal to her".
As background I'll just say that the last 2-3 months have been a time of a huge spiritual change in my life. Basically all my previous notions about religion, deities, and what's my position in the picture have been challenged, redefined, then smashed to pieces and then rebuilt once again. I've done previous readings that have been telling me to be more open about these things and not just keep them inside me, but given that I'm very personal about religion with my friends, it's needless to say I've been pretty quiet about it. we just don't discuss personal beliefs, ever.
So, I probably shouldn't have been so surprised when I lay down the cards and what is in front of me is a detailed assesment of this spiritual process that I'm going through, forcing me to reveal the whole shebang to her (she's open about things, at least).
What a sense of humour they have... Gotta love them.
They also clarified a few points of the process that I've been having doubts of, so it wasn't all about getting me to talk about it, but still. I just love this when it happens...
What is it that makes a person choose a certain religious path? What is it that makes a person even think about the difficult questions in life, while so many of us manage just to walk ahead without ever thinking about the very questions that define the world for some of us? Why do some people question and some not?
Big questions to think about after midnight. Restless questions for someone who is trying to find her path in a darkness, while trying to choose from many many paths. For someone who questions herself. For someone who doesn't seem to fit the definitions of anyone, even her own.
Maybe it's just that I'm too easily swayed, get distracted too easily. Or maybe it's the good ol' Temptation. Not sure what it is, but I know for a fact that it makes me feel like my heart is shred open, bleeding, calling for something. Wanting comeone to tell me it all goes away if I just shut my eyes and calm down. And at the same time I love every minute of this feeling. It somehow tells me I'm at least alive, so much more alive than so many people I see walking with their eyes shut. Eyes shut at the beauty of the world, at the colors, at the flowers, at the view from the window.
Maybe it's the buddhist suffering and I'm just a masochist. Maybe this is the only way to live truly. How should I know? But what I know is that it's the way I live my life, and as much as the feelings shatter my inner peace, as much I know how I need them. How I wait for them. Because that's what life is all about. Feeling. Feeling deeply. To live the ups and downs, calms and storms equally as a divine life. I hope that's what I'm doing.
